strodeunplugged

No, not him, me.

This story announces my official resignation as Cincinnati Bengals fan.

Perhaps I’m overly conservative, but I think 5 arrests is enough.  4 seems OK, but I draw the line at 5.

Now, there really hasn’t been much to root for in the last 20 years and the organization is a national embarrassment but at least all the losing means you’re not forced to deal with the moral dilemma of trying to decide if it’s OK to root for a bunch of criminals and jerks.

I’m a firm believer in rooting for your hometown teams.  Despite the fact as a little kid I used to root for the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day’s just to aggravate my relatives, I don’t like it when people root for random teams they have no logical affiliation with, particularly when it’s prompted by jumping on the latest bandwagon.

Bill Simmons, a writer I enjoy wrote a great article about rules for being a sports fan.  I believe I’m covered by his exception to the loyalty rule that allows you to abandon your hometown team under the following circumstance:

“The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn’t take it anymore — you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge”

I’m going to begin my search for a new team immediately in order to be all set for the beginning of the NFL season.  My abundance of free time will allow me to do an in-depth evaluation, but I’m going to eliminate the following out-of-hand.

• Cleveland Browns – just because I’m giving up on the Bengals doesn’t mean I stop disliking the Browns.
• New England Patriots – seems too much like a bandwagon pick.
• Oakland Raiders – this is the team everyone else picks when they have no natural affiliation.
• New York Jets – I found the whole Brett Favre situation distasteful.
• Green Bay Packers – ditto.
• New York Giants – the key to good bandwagon jumping would seem to be to do it right before they win the Super Bowl, not after.

I don’t mind taking on a team that isn’t at the top, but the following teams have been so consistently, historically awful that I see no reason to continue punishing myself after a lifetime spent rooting for the Bengals.

• Detroit Lions
• Atlanta Falcons
• Arizona Cardinals

The following teams get eliminated because they have players that I just refuse to root for.  Call it the Chris Henry corollary.

• Dallas Cowboys (Terrell Owens) – there’s no crying in football.
• Baltimore Ravens (Ray Lewis) – if I draw the line at 5 arrests, I guess I should probably eliminate accomplices to murder.
• St. Louis Rams (Leonard Little) – and manslaughter.

The following teams get eliminated due to ugly uniforms/colors.  I mean, if I pick a new team I’m going to have to buy some new gear, right?

• Minnesota Vikings – a little too much purple.
• Carolina Panthers – teal, part one.
• Jacksonville Jaguars – teal, part two.
• Seattle Seahawks – teal, part three.  What is it with all the teal uniforms lately.
• Philadelphia Eagles – seriously, this is teal, isn’t it ?  Aren’t the Eagles supposed to have green uniforms ?  Whatever happened to ROY G BIV ?
• Miami Dolphins – aqua, seems pretty close to teal to me.
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers – these abominations.  Even though it was about 20 years ago that eliminates you forever.

Side note:  What does it say about me that I eliminated more teams on fashion grounds than anything else?  That, and an apparent deep-seated distaste for teal.  Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, indeed.

That leaves me with 12 other teams to work with.  The seaons starts in two and a half weeks, I better get busy.

Stay tuned.